"...our war is a spiritual war"

That's right, in today's society of accepted science and morality having elevated itself a notch above religion, people are allowed to think, explore and redefine. The publicized values based on an underlying good have been plagued with enough wrongs to undo the right. Enough of it all I'll say, there is no need. That is unless your IQ has something in common with my high school's average soccer score. What is it about us that we feel so vulnerable without believing in something far more powerful then ourselves who has the capability to keep us safe if only we continue to please him. What type of messed up parenting is this? It was once explained to me that god loves us more then our parents, more then your dog, he in fact loves us unconditionally. If you believe that then where does the whole hell thing come in. It was once asked why god doesn't stop bad things from happening? I mean he could do that right? "We'll he just allows them to happen", for reasons beyond our primitive brains full understanding so I was told. Well god, piss off. Bystanders of murder are charged as accomplices. In the interest of making a point I'd like to sue god. He has it coming with all the injustices he has allowed to happen: Cancer, AIDS, natural disasters, trees falling on beavers... It's not right and it's high time god pay up for all this crap. What happened to nirvana, and an ego-less society? What? An apple was eaten? Piss off!

I'm sorry to all the faithful who feel the need to wrap themselves in a blanket full of ignorance and bliss but why can't we evolve out of the religious sect of witchcraft? Isn't it time we govern ourselves upon higher principles of humanity and spirituality rather then superstition and religion? The laws of some douche pickle god have no place in a time when we have the power to do more good then at any point in previous history and yet through a brainwash of fear we hold back and ignore what even religion will tell you...love thy neighbor, treat others as you would treat yourself, share, love and keep your coloring within the lines. Ignore the bullshit of religion...espectially the hypocritical parts of it, we're smarter then that.

We are ONE, for and with another. It's that simple.

Born Free into a Cage

That's it, I'm screwed up, I don't fit or belong here when here is considered normal society. I look at people and I'm jealous, not because I want to be them but because they somehow fit the bill for success in this time and place, at least on a mental level. On paper I am gifted with everything any human could possibly want on the build list at birth, not the least of which was being born into a family that spoke English and lived in America. It puzzles the daylights out of me how I fit the bill for high probability of success right now in some views but it is because I so desperately wish that I was still hunting for survival that I am nearly incapable of fitting into the pigeon hole of an alternative adaptation for the modern man. I DO NOT FIT HERE! I would like to be scared out of my mind trying to kill a buffalo with wooden spears and finely chiseled stone. I would like to be at the risk of the weather, changing herds and a mirage of other impossible to overcome variables. I am in constant search of something that feels even vaguely close to the real life we all use to lead such a relatively short time ago. The part of my brain that says I'd like to keep you warm and safe is now almost permanently turned off for the simple reason that it's never had to be on. I stare over the edge of cliffs, I play with guns, I climb mountains and trees, I like to ride motorcycles in the rain, I've done an ironman triathlon, I enjoy bombing down steep declines at 57mph on human powered two wheelers with semi trucks passing inches away and suddenly I'm getting the ingenious idea of drafting the truck for more speed. I know that I am not the average but there is no way I am different. Normal people take risks everyday while driving and don't even realize it because suddenly they become complacent. I can't possibly be the only person that would have made a bad ass high plains Native American, or a incredibly advanced cave man. I wish I lived in a time of Troy and Cesar, I would have cleaned up in that time. Alexander? Alexshmander compared to the ME of B.C.! I don't want to be fixed either, I don't want my Ritalin, Prozac, herbal tea or daily jog circling the neighborhood. I want to do what I want when I want with the only motivators being hunger and immediate survival. Clothes, status, money, beautiful women defined by the tides of fashion...no. I want to feel alive. I want to be something greater then part of a colony of ants working together in harmony. I am rouge. I am brave and I am fearless. But wait...

I can't cut my umbilical cord to society. It's not that I cant do without it, but reasonably there are a few people in this world that would miss me if I went off the map even if I would get along without them. Is that an excuse? Is that really my excuse for caving in? Where the fuck did my backbone run off to? Should I buy into the fact that I really do make up a link within a greater chain? I read a quote by Aung San Suu Kyi - "It is part of the unceasing human endeavor to prove that the spirit of man can transcend the flaws of his own nature" and I guess it's time for me to evolve. Those flaws came from necessity of years past, not present. It's in my nature to say the weak die and nature is cruel. But I guess we are past that. I guess I'm past that and its time to accept my role, even if it is small. I am part of society no matter if I like that or not, I can either waste my ability pretending to be in danger all the time or actually make a difference if by no other way then being counted among the masses in support of a good cause. Mother Teresa once said "We can do no great things, only small things with great love", and I'm ready to embrace that. Strength in numbers is about the only thing society has going for it, but it is a start. We face more problems then ever before largely because together we have never been this far. It's all new and there is a steep learning curve. The reason we form society is to give ourselves more security, and while I still want to feel vulnerable at times maybe that's what motorcycles are for. Let's look out for one another, lets work together, lets help each other maximize our talents, lets look out for the little guy and the ones down on their luck. Lets not expect or demand the government to do this for us. I'll take heart in the idea that this small role becomes a big one when together we create a better place grow. So go to work, feed yourself with surprisingly little effort, make conscious decisions about life and the friendships you choose, create love. It might not all feel natural because, well, it isn't in some ways. But we are moving along and one day the history books of the future will look back and write a hopefully long section of our years in a positive tone using words such as progression, advancement, self-actualizing and ego-less. Lets all just remember that we are one; for and with another.

That's the kool-aid I'm drinking for today, and I made it myself.

"We have no great war, we have no great depression..."

A friend mentioned how he met someone in law school today who nearly died climbing a mountain this weekend that ironically my friend and I were climbing as well. Turns out this guy made a mistake, it was foggy and he fell blind into the abyss. Luckily for him is was a shallow abyss and he came away thoroughly beat up but none the worse for the wear. In fact he was probably more alive in the moment then I have been in years. I cannot remember the last time I nearly shit myself, and hell I've never actually shit myself. I don't think that's because I have stronger then average sphincter muscles...it's because I live in a world rightfully obsessed with safety where death by anything other then really old age is looked at as a statistic to be tracked, mended and fixed. We have safer cars and planes, more effective and far removed war, guns with safety triggers, lions, tigers, and bears oooh my all tucked away from us in cages or outside our own cage that is society.

I don't fear death, I fear a lifeless life.

Why do people skydive, scale mountains, race motorcycles or step out of the soft and clean womb of our daily lives?

It is the modern mans way of feeling alive in this disney world full of safety.

more later....back to being a monkey

Something more worthless...

By request - Hamsters

Lets start with admitting that once again these are adorable creatures. And you know what? For a small percentage of these little bastards that live in households of the western nations this very cuteness is the basis for a viable survival strategy. Yes, thanks to many a children’s desire to hold something furry and reasonable parents need for a low maintenance pet, we have the domesticated hamster. Let’s be honest here, human and hamster relationships are not natural. There are no cave paintings depicting a hamster helping our hunter/gatherer ancestors with a big hunt of bison and woolly mammoth. It’s the recent adaptation of humans holding captive the tiny rodent(yea that’s what they are really called) for our own amusement. Perhaps it illustrates that on some level we would like to get back to our caveman roots…how else can you explain otherwise normal human beings fascination of these creatures doing incredibly boring things in order to live in the plastic 30 gallon sized container that is their world. Are we that fascinated by a creature eating when it is hungry, running endlessly on a wheel(feels like many a cube monkey job) or frustratingly burrowing in half a centimeter of wood chips? How much possible enjoyment can one person get out of “taking care” of an animal that, if placed back in its natural habitat, would survive completely on its own? I mean really this brings up all sorts of psychological, playing god questions and maybe those who like to rule the hamsters are really searching for more control in their own lives. But I digress I’m getting off subject, this post is about hamsters and the odd and somewhat worthless role they play in the world I know.

Hamsters are the bottom of the food chain, and while that is in itself important, I just want to point out that depending on where they live in the wild they truly are on the menu for everything from snakes to eagles. You remember my favorite animal, the eagle, right? Yea I bet little hamsters everywhere know and fear the eagle. Cute little balls of joy know the only defense against extinction they have is breeding like mad. And in fact that is how the bigger prey are bigger: genetics and…volume baby! Yes, they eat lots of these little guys. But christ, there won’t be much of the fun associated with creating more of your kind as happy meals while being stuck in that neon plastic palace created with love and care by the caregivers, thank you PetSmart. Hamsters only live 2-3 years in captivity, thus providing a nice life lesson and traumatic event of childhood to the young caregivers and employing a therapist for an hour or two down the road as a result. All and all this is a horrible setup for everyone involved. Leave them in the wild were they are most useful and tasty.

I was challenged to pick on something even cuter then a penguins, and I did. The only thing more worthless then a penguin is a hamper in captivity. I hope I have shamed anyone thinking of owning a hamster to not own one, thereby keeping snakes and eagles everywhere slightly more full. Any more topics you would like my highly bias opinion on?

There are worse things I could have become...

So now that my job is eons better then my last one I have gotten a bit more reflective about jobs in general. I've realized that my previous job was not my first truly awful(see previous post) job, nor do I have some unique ability to find amazingly bad jobs because I have found people with much, much worse. Namely a profession aptly named “Bull Fertility Specialist”. This job is exactly what you think it is only much more hands on and involved. The world loves meat and that meat needs to come from somewhere. The people responsible for allowing all of us meat loving, overweight Americans to have such great tasting meat have a very specific way of maintaining product quality…it starts with the ingredients. “Research has shown that a one percent change in reproductive performance will generate up to 3 times more return on investment for cow/calf operators” Yes, ladies and gents it’s the sperm that makes the difference, so only the best sperm will do. Now I swear on everything holy I was clueless on this subject up until the moment the discovery channel completely enlightened me and blew my mind at the same time. Let me paint for you the picture of how this all goes down. Now it was decided at some point that normal bull on cow sex was just not going to cut it in the fast paced meat industry, so “retrieving” the “samples” from the bull and artificially inseminating all the cows with only the best bull product was the only way to go. Now that seems reasonable enough but all reason and logic stops here. You see the way they get these samples is absolute insanity and I swear I am not making this up. A bull is brought into a ring…fifteen of his closest buddies watching, another bull is then brought into the same ring and is lead to the rear of the other bull and mounts the now lowest bull on the totem poll. I have no idea why there are two bulls involved and why there cant be a cow on the bottom but whatever, at this point a Bull Fertility Specialist(BFS) notes that the fifteen bulls watching are “learning what to do and becoming aroused”. So it seems we are all eating meat that essentially comes from gay bulls, interesting. Also, I’d like you to think about the bull being mounted. I’m sure he didn’t volunteer for this, his buddies are watching and are more then amused and your supposed friend is about to completely violate everything you hold dear…wow, that sucks. Anyway, back to my point, here is when the BFS really earns his keep. Just at the moment the bull is mounting the other bull the BFS grabs the main meat of the mounting bull and sticks it into the cup where it dispenses the best and brightest future cows. Let just make sure we are clear on this…he grabs the bulls 2 foot long, 15 pound member so the bull may “produce” in a way that can be later used to make many thousands of cows. Bull Fertility Specialist is really a better way of describing a “big dick grabber”, that is his job, thank god its not mine.

Ugh, I want to vomit after recalling all these painful repressed memories

Lets talk about my first truly awful job...it begins when I walked into and was hired at CHUCK E CHEESE. Now there are shitty jobs and there are fucking really shitty jobs, this was the later. I was 16 needed money, they were hiring and I WAS the mouse, don’t call it a rat, people in the profession know it’s a mouse so you just sound like an ignorant fuck when you say rat so back off. Anyway this mouse job was hilarious once you get past the fact that you will not make any money what-so-ever and you surrender to the notion that you will spend half the day in a smelly used by others sauna of a damn costume. When I wasn't being the mouse, I would do other things much more deserving of my time such as working the Prizes counter where you can cash in your hard earned tickets for absolutely worthless prizes. Alot of times, if I liked the parents, I would match the kids contribution of tickets 10-20 fold...it didn't feel right being the kiddy crack dealer so I felt that made things a bit better. I would waste hours "cleaning" the massive maze of plastic tubing that was a kids dream of a play ground. Or I would hide in the ball play pin just to freak out some unsuspecting 4 year old, long story short I was bored and poorly managed. I was also paid, no lie, 5.75. Yea that’s right I got a twenty-five cent raise the day I was hired because I volunteered to be the go to mouse guy, anyway after my first paycheck I certainly decided the real worth of this job wasn't going to be a monetary one. I tell you what though, it was a little like being a celebrity, or a pedophiles dream job, little kids instantly rush up and want to give you hugs. It was really odd when I first starting being the mouse and people would want to take pictures with me…I would smile...it took me a few outings to realize there was no need to smile. Let me state as a matter of fact that I did not enjoy the job after about 15 mins into the first day of training videos, it sucked. I once got flipped off by a 2 year old, no shit a 2 year old, his finger was half a centimeter high. There is nothing like this to make you question where you are heading in life then a day at work when a 2 year old flips you off, nothing. Its funny when the lazy ass parents have a birthday party for the 8 year old kid and they pick this place. Eight year olds are a pain, they know damn well that the easter bunny is fake, same with the tooth fairy, Santa might still be hanging in there since, well he is a god like figure that will withhold presents if you don't believe. Anyway, you bet your soul these same eight year olds know for a fact chucky isn't real, harassment begins. Spurred on by the phenomenon that is group think(the responsibility of an action is lessened once there are others around, thus the individual feels justified in otherwise unreasonable actions...see: the nazi movement) This harassment only gets worse when the huge gang finishes the pizza party, the now sugar induced, cake fueled, and soda crazed kids are in full on rage and destruction mode. This mode involves a game of trying to kick chucky in the balls, a game I was not a fan of from the beginning and very sick of in about 3 seconds flat. At first I tried to kinda push the problem kids aside and defuse the situation, no such luck. Eventually one of these little fuckers actually got a good kick in, I instinctively grabbed this kid and demonstrated to him how much I was sick of this game, the job, the suit, the smell, his face, and my (not disclosed in the job description) pain in the groin area. Tossing this kid into the nearest collection of chairs felt great, and looking at his face turn from anger to total amazement and disbelief in midair was truly satisfying. Even better was the look on the faces of the remaining gang, it was that jaws dropped, eyes wide open, the world isn't such a nice place, your actions do have consequences sort of realization for these guys...I've made a difference. A comment card came back later that day.."Chucky could be nicer"...mission accomplished.

When you are on your way out, don't let the door hit you

Penguins, what a pointless animal, granted they are adorable and I'm man enough to admit that. But seriously can't we all just agree they are on their way out, I mean its kinda the last straw for them don’t we think? Lets think about this: first off you are a bird who is better at walking then flying…cause well your wings are now more like useless flippers. Anyway I saw March of the Penguins and it convinced me that we are not gonna be seeing these little guys much longer outside of the zoo. Think about it. Put yourself in their situation. You live on ice, that sucks, you can barely survive doing this but you are stranded on this island of ice because...well., you missed the tectonic plate boat that everyone else got on and you're on the last part of the life cycle were death and extinction is right around the corner. But lets get back to my point. The only way you can get food is if you jump in the ocean (also super cold) and try to find the food….at the very same time you are putting yourself on the menu for killer whales and faster then crap seals. This is god's way of giving you the “you are not needed here any more memo” apparently you failed your performance review and its time to start seeking immediate employment elsewhere…..I mean christ I take back the fact that you walk better then you fly, that wasn’t a far stretch since you really cant fly, but what you do can hardly be considered walking, stupid little waddle….but seriously you actually slide on your belly faster then you walk OMG what is the deal!?! How pathetic do you look compared to a bald eagle, does that make you feel just a little short changed about the whole situation? I mean your main survival feature is…..blubber and conserving energy by moving as little as possible, how awesome. You are the fatasses of the animal kingdom and are mitigated to a life of complete boredom in the natural freezer humans call Antarctica...jesus some may call that adaptation(with success being merely surviving). I say that's dying slowly with no end game and a poorly executed adaptation strategy. Similar to the struggle of a skinny polar bear trying to claw its way back onto an iceberg. I bet the grizzly and black bear don't feel this way. Let go guys, accept your fate...just close your eyes and exhale. Face it you had a snowballs chance in hell of making it long term.

My Monday sucked, can you tell?...everyone should feel my pain. Bring on global warming, oil tanker disasters, and another Bush for president....I'm ready to suffer in the name of self pitty just like the stupid penguins...attention loving bastards.

An Update

Your last cube monkey has left the building....ala Elvis. June 6th was actually my last day of official employment but I had really checked out far earlier then that...thanks for the paychecks anyway. The funny thing is they did the exact same thing to me as the other cube monkey; not paying me the full amount I had worked. I sent a few emails and lets just say they more then fixed the problem, kudos to them for being dumbasses.


After 8 months working in the cesspool of HR, PR, ethics and human waste its great to be back in a normal work environment. Its wonderful not getting updates on employees I don't know and don't care about, incredible not getting reminders of how long lunch is suppose to be and simply amazing not forcing a fake smile for 9 hours a day while I try not to start a merciless fight with every not so innocent co-worker I can find. Work place violence is not always a good thing, I understand that, but christ I can see how it happens.


I always told my fellow cube monkeys we were worth a hell of a lot more then what they wanted us to believe. Maybe not for dialing numbers and talking to the bottom feeders of the world but as humans with our level of intelligence we were settling for far too little. And get this, I was right, within 2 weeks of leaving I had job offers all better then what I was earning previously. Same holds true for the other monkeys, no longer are we settling for Plan F,G or H it was back to the standard A and B.


I think these blog posts are a lot funnier when one of us is royally pissed off and uses this to vent but I guess recently there hasn't been as much of a need for it. I guess I'll just decide to unleash my anger on something less deserving.....stay tuned

3 weeks later and they still piss me off

So I quit over three weeks ago and I can't get away from these fuckers. Getting the 'ol penis jerk about my final paycheck and they owe me almost $700. I've had enough and the last polite voicemail has been sent...I already have the Dept of Labor bookmarked in my favorites. Chances are after I post this google will have put 10 relevant links surrounding the blog from law firms too.

Ended up getting a new job the day after I walked out. Yeah I'm lucky. I'm still in a cubicle, but its not 3x the size. The irrelavant emails have stopped, I no longer get pictures and graphics of creepy, pedophile looking assholes kicking an old woman in the head either. People actually return my calls, the purpose of my job isn't just to exploit the dreams of desperate people, and my boss doesn't wave his finger at me if my lunch is 5 minutes long. Don't worry, I'm sure the complaints will come.

I should quit more often

Before I even left the building, a woman I almost started working for before I took the godforsaken job gave me a call..... I didnt really want to take a 35% pay cut so I ended up politely excusing myself from the conversation. The day after, before I even managed to get my unemployed ass to the job ads, I got a call back regarding a terrible interview I conducted. Apparently they were desperate? Irregardless, they asked for some references (thank you fellow cube drones) and gave me the job today. The cube gods are looking over me... or just want to make sure I am reigned in. And yes, I will be working from a cube--so I will continue to post from this blog.

Rumor has it another monkey has quit, and has found another cube job as well. Congrats. Another rumor has the 3rd cube monkey is being placed in the same cage with the King monkey. This is certain to lead to laughter

I quit my job today

Are you jealous? Thats right fuckers, I walked out...couldnt even make it to the end of the day. At will employment=no 2 week notice necessary.

Instead of focusing on the "now what?" question, I'd like to discuss the "why did you quit?" issue...considering I have an answer for that.

Well actually I have at least ten answers for that.

#1) Poor lead quality: As discussed below. I cant stress enough how fucking ridiculous and frustrating it is to get no actual leads and sort through tons of bullshit old ones, finally get one person actually interested in going to school, and have them tell you they are getting married and want to wait till the fall. Perfectly reasonable or not, that person is an asshole.
#2) Even when I get someone to answer the phone, I'm not always happy about that.... as they are often painstaking to talk to.
#3) I realized today, that the only positive about the job was the possibility of making a lot of money....meaning an unjustifiable amount of money. Well, today I realized that it would realistically take 9 months to get there--meaning, to actually receive that better salary, I'd be looking at having worked at this current miserable situation for at least 2-3 years. Holy fuck. If there is a way to waste my 20's, that would be it.
#4) Micromanaging bosses
#5) Barraging emails from people that worked in either a toy store, or the manufacturing department of Summer's Eve. Basically, these emails were written by children (the ones my kids will beat the shit out of), or real fucking douche bags. 2nd hand douche bags even.
#6) Liars, and the lies they tell. There is only so much listening to my boss break the law and tell a niave, young person that they will make 80-90k as a starting salary. The lack of morality was astounding.
#7) 75k for a nationally accredited online university? And the only financial aid available comes from the federal government? Okay, as some people put it "fully accredited" ... unless of course you wanted to go to graduate school or transfer those credits, in which you would hear "we dont recognize that institution as a school."
#8) This education is good for ... almost nobody. Ever wonder how a school can have a graduation rate of 52% and a retention rate of 26%. Thats George W. Bush math.
#9) If you can't keep your promise about giving me a $10 giftcard for winning a contest, I'm sure as fuck now going to trust your promises about how much damn money I can make.
#10) Existing is no way to go through life.

Manager quotes from the meeting Friday...

1) "Well, to be honest, our April term was “whore-rendess”."

Oh, that’s a real knee slapper Knob Job.

2) “We track them a little bit...” ...says Knobber Jobber....

-Oh, this is when discussions of the largest contributing factor within our compensation matrix are mentioned, also called PGE's....

What did you just say? You track the largest contributing factor to my compensation and my ability to get a raise, “a little bit.”
I should jump over this desk and bite your face, you sumummabitch.

-Then, you have the perspective of the new hires: “Wait, what? Did you say PGE? What is a PGE?”. Can you imagine, working at your real job, or a real company, and you are in a meeting 5 weeks after starting your job out of training, and you hear that? We don't track your success, only your failure.

They basically don't give a horses pa tut on whether or not you understand exactly how you attain a raise.

"If and when you eventually find out, we will have a paper trail of corporate sheets that will basically bury you; physically and mentally, until you quit."

My thoughts in the meeting: "... can I fight off the tunnel vision of premeditated hurtfulness?"

You can reflect on this all the way back to the day you start if I may because there are so many precious moments from here to there.

First Day:
“Here you go new employee, here is your new hire booklet where you will have everything you need to know inside of it; also called the ‘Book of Knowledge’.” Go get herpes.

holy crap am I attached to this paycheck in this market...

Nursing? So you like to work with sick people? --how about business administration with a concentration in marketing and sales!!?

Today it was 4 1/2 hours into my work day before I actually got a lead. This makes my job rather difficult, considering I’m supposed to call these people. When one finally arrived I almost jumped out of my chair and exclaimed “I GOT A LEAD!” Holy fuck, that’s exciting, a chance to actually do what is in my job description. I call, it rings for about 30 seconds and goes to voicemail…..now what?

Actually, if the person just doesn’t answer…that’s one of the better outcomes. Pretty frequently the number is disconnected, and even more often it’s a wrong number. Between those that don’t answer, or gave a wrong number, that’s about 50% of my leads. People that actually want to talk to you…maybe 5-10%. The others fall in the following categories:

“Interior Design? No I’m looking for nursing”
“College? I already have a degree. And I didn’t request any information, I don’t know how you got my information”
“You want to talk to Taylor? This is Taylor’s mom, he’s 14 years old”
“Sam is dead”
“Is this about the work from home job?”
“I’m looking for a PHD program, do you have that?”
“I’m already a student at ___ University”

Seriously, how the fuck are we advertising. Maybe one out of every 15 people I talk to really wanted information, about half of those actually want to talk to someone on the phone…. I might as well sit outside of Walmart with a giant sign and booth with loan applications and end up with a better conversion rate--WTF. Seriously, a dead person? 14 year olds? Hell I’ve called an 8 year old before…. And today I’ve gotten 1 new lead all day (45 minutes to get a 2nd one) … who would you like me to call? The person that has never answered, or the guy who already has a master’s degree” And unbelieveably, these people are no longer considered “invalid leads” because, as the thought goes “it is your job to sell him on a degree here” OKAY TOMMY, WELL I KNOW YOU HAVE A FULL SCHOLARSHIP TO AN ACTUAL UNIVERSITY, BUT YOU SHOULD DROP OUT SO I CAN DEBT INITIATE YOU ASS WITH AN ONLINE DEGREE—ALL YOU NEED IS A VISA, MASTERCARD, OR CHECKING ACCOUNT—WHICH ONE WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY????”

The Dark Side

the cube monkeys have been in fear of employment as of late...seems this blog might have leaked to management and on top of that we flat out dont do our jobs very well. seems we all have attitude problems. In all seriousness it's pretty amazing these days of what corporate America expects of you. It's not just job performance that matters. Even if you outperform you peers if they appear of have drank more kool-aid then your ass its you who gets the walking papers. A history teacher once told the class that it was perception, not reality, above all else that mattered in shaping history. Nothing could be more true in the cube monkey world. piss off just one person by telling them like it is and instantly you have made an enemy out of them and those that they influence. Working here is constant damage control and continual misinformation distribution in the form of fake smiles and doing what it takes to not have an enemy. If you cant play this game, you're fired...

Then again this does have important benefits, first and foremost is the impressive 4 month average turnover rate. it gives me the opportunity to really influence those around me and shape their time here...

I welcome the newbies by my casual bitching about the job...planting the seed of hate and disdain for this is what makes me feel like I am changing lives for the better. Come to the dark side, where sanity makes a comeback and men behave as anything but cube monkeys

HOW ARE YOU NOT FIRED, I WILL NEVER KNOW!

Yes, ALL CAPS....

Yesterday, I am required to go through a 1 hour of Sexual Harassment training and....

Seriously, you send, a .gif image like this? To the entire business development organization?

"It's silly, so it's ok."

ummmm yeah

Automatically turn off computer every day?

Yes, I tried this but stupid admin rights won't let me sneak out of here early... blar

--Please comment if you know how to get around that.

1. Click Start, and then click Control Panel.

2. Click click Scheduled Tasks.

3. Double-click Add Scheduled Task. The Scheduled Task Wizard starts.

4. Click Next.

5. Under Click the program you want Windows to run, click Browse.

6. In the Select Program to Schedule dialog box, locate the %SystemRoot%\System32 folder, locate and click the Shutdown.exe file, and then click Open.

7. Under Perform this task, specify a name for the task and how frequently you want this task to run, and then click Next.

8. Under Select the time and day you want this task to start, specify a start time and date for the task, and then click Next.

9. Type the user name and password to run this task under, and then click Next.

10. Click to select the Open advanced properties for this task when I click Finish check box, and then click Finish.

11. Click the Task tab.

12. In the Run box, specify any additional parameters that you want to use with Shutdown.exe. In the run line add the switches after the exe, -s to shutdown and -r to reboot.

13. Click OK.

14. When the machine goes to reboot there will be a message pop up to warn anyone using the machine at that time they have 30 seconds to save their stuff.

Did it work? NO SIR

Monkeys have personalities too...

Earlier today a foreign cube monkey interrupted my normal cube trance with an energetic entrance into cube row that would have only been appropriate at a college football bowl game. He had marched over after hearing a new employee poorly handle an interview and decided it was his responsibility to preach about how to increase your business to the poor sap in the cube diagonal to mine. As I listened to him combine his ego with absurd logic and theory, I realized he was the epitome of one of the worst personalities the office has to offer. Below is a list of several other cube monkey personalities you will certainly encounter within cube jungle.


The Tipster—The guy in your office that loves to give advice to people. Ironically he is often terrible at his job, and his ego is totally unjustified by his performance. The tipster usually preys on the new people…cornering them in their cubicle and making them listen to his drawn out spiel on how to do the job better. You listen out of pure sympathy and later remark to the newbie “forget everything he just said, and you’ll be fine.” The tipster rarely performs himself (yes, its always a he) but loves to flaunt his shit when he does and tell you step-by-step how he did it, and why it makes him superior.

Newbie—He wants to do well so badly but he's fucking clueless. You see him trying to perform his job and you just feel bad, for their good intentions and aspirations have not been crushed yet. Don’t worry, he is on the way to total dejection, but in the meantime you cringe as they get bombarded by corporate propaganda and houndings from “the tipster.”

Mr. GQ—The overly dressed male who “dresses for success” … or perhaps to look ridiculous. His top 3 buttons are undone to expose his shaven man-cleavage, has an unnecessary swagger to his walk, and can often be seen wearing sunglasses inside. Did he think he was going to work or a Hollister Fashion Show?? His socks cost more than your dress shirt and you wonder how the fuck he affords to live in this fashion. Typically this guy is a total jackass as well--trying desperately to dip his pen in the company ink, but you take solace in the fact that he has probably never been successful.

The Socialite—Never actually works, just chit-chats. You don't want to work, but you sure as shit don't care what she (this one is usually a she) has to say. She tries to force you to listen, and although ten minutes ago you were playing with staples and moving them into simple designs, when s/he comes around you suddenly have to make an important call.

The Lazy Ass Boss—The boss that you have never, not once, seen do a fucking thing. You have no idea how this person climbed the corporate ladder or what the fuck they do to deserve a check double the size of yours. They “supervise” which means hounding you to be more productive with threats that just make you bitter.

The MBA Boss—this is the one that loves using bullshit motivational terms such as “area of opportunity” which is code for “the part of your job you suck at.” They love abbreviations and are way to hands-on with your work. Makes you yearn for the lazy boss.

The Kiss-Ass—We all know this one… the bosses little pet. S/he always gives big smiles and hellos when the boss walks by. The most annoying thing is this is often the laziest mother fucker in the whole office, but they have a disgusting ability to invent enthusiasm and motivation in a meeting. “How can we improve from last week’s performance?” your boss asks…. “by working harder! Making more Dials!” says the Kiss-ass. Fuck you asshole, thanks for participating in our bosses bullshit mindgame, shut the fuck up and keep your mouth closed. Probably the most nauseating of all office personalities.

The Office Hottie— She is one of, if not the only, truly attractive female in the building. Well dressed and well-proportioned. In theory, she is there to assist you. In reality, you are her bitch. Fuck, you’d empty her trash can if she hinted it was too full. Doesn’t matter if you are in a committed relationship or not, this one has all men by the balls – because hey, you just never know.

"trust me i wish i didn't have to walk through this door"

Nobody wants to be here. I figured this out on my 2nd day of training, this is everyone's Plan B or more likely, and in my case...F. I find it pretty funny then that when my key card doesn't work for some reason(divine intervention) someone has a problem letting me in. When I came back form lunch I had to wait a little while for a proper subject to open the door for me. Finally a new guy who had definitely seen me before in the office opens the door as I am hanging up on my coworker who seems to have forgotten how to answer the phone when a fellow monkey needs assistance. The guy opens the door because, well he is leaving for lunch or to do lines of coke...neither would surprise me. I say thanks as I attempt to walk through the door and low and behold he asks me where my key card is? As if this is place needs top notch security since people seem to be banging down the doors trying to work here...if only they could take care of that somehow I'd feel much safer. Fortunately for my time card's sake I was able to finagle my way past him in a hurry with such advanced trickery as showing him my wallet and describing how the key card was broken...similar to his brain connectivity in the area of giving a f*ck.

What's that? You were printing?

End of the day. This is also the first post from a bathroom stall. I had a small juvenile idea that might just work. I was thinking that every time I go get water, coffee, or need to evacuate my intestines/bladder - I will just simply push my finger down on the printer's red STOP button. Simple really. it will terminate all jobs in queue (yeah, that is really how you spell that... queue).

Then, when I am on the way back, I will get a few laughs watching the buzzards circling the printer and saying "caw, caw, caw". Not bad but kinda dumb really... wow, I just had a disgustingly awful self reflection moment. Looks like I may have flushed my dignity completely down the drain.

Oh well, I'm outta here .............(flush)

dreams? I know i had them

Its National Bring you Kid to Work Day, how awesome. In addition to all the regular work related crap I must now deal with a bunch of snot faced kids running around me all day. It has its perks though, in fact I've already taught the bosses daughter a new word or two. Beyond disrupting my usual lazy day of avoiding work the kids have added an extra level of depression to this gig. I remember a time of ignorant bliss, when I thought I'd grow up and become a racecar driver or a zillionaire playboy. Childhood is full of such fantasy's: the Easter bunny, Santa, tooth fairy, Disney land. Dream big kids, life is what you make it...the hell it is. If life was what you made it then every single person I talk to on the phone needs to retake the lesson: Life Construction Building & Practices 101, and I'll be right behind them. It's gotta be a wake up call on these impressionable minds that "wow mommy and daddy sit at their desks all day with a headset and call losers...doesn't sound much like the hero I had in mind". I feel like going up to every one of these kids still somewhat enjoying their day and just destroy all the hope they still hold dear. "Hey, whats your name? What do you want to be when you grow up? Really...well listen I'm just gonna be honest with you...it'll never happen, in fact you should prolly give up on just about all your dreams and start figuring out how to lie and bs your way through a corporate workforce...being popular and learning how to control a group of others and how they perceive you is really all that matters...figure out how to pass others hard work off as your own". If I could just make one of these kids cry tears of joyful truth then I will feel like I have changed a life for the better...ironically that's part of my job description anyway. Your welcome world, the dose of reality monkey cages always lack.

"leave a fucking message"

I'll give credit where credit is due, a good fake answer voicemail is good for a laugh every once and a while but some voice-mails are absolutely infuriating. You get the usual "hello? hey whats up?...long pause...HA you got the voicemail" and yea that's funny the first 3 times but its really not. Really though, how clever is this? Of the unfortunate demographic that I am calling a surprisingly high percentage think this is how a voicemail should be...anything but a normal. Normal being a purposeful, this is the ___ residence, please leave a message. No need for some complete smart ass and hence lack of any intelligence message discouraging people to interact with your household. Ironically you never check your voicemail regardless how how many times that red light blinks because well...you clearly understand your position in life is not one of any great importance, and no phone call will change this. Yes, this is painfully evident you are beyond help, do the world a favor and take the following action: veer into oncoming traffic suddenly, take fewer breathes, kill your children, neuter yourself...it is simply unacceptable to for another generation of people to have to put up you or your offspring.

sweater vests and t-shirts

It's hard to describe what people wear to work on an average day here. I'm not generally one to talk, I actually consider my khakis and crocs business casual but others take it to a whole new level. This one mid 30's, single, fairly unattractive co-worker literally doesn't know how to dress herself, she owns only one type of clothes: hippie shit. It's as if she literally wakes up every morning and proceeds to dress herself for a big hike in the mountains then realizes she has to be at work in 10 mins...no time to change, this will just have to do. I bet it's happened more then once that because of this total absentmindedness her dog must sleep in the car all day while she is at work for the lack of time to drop him back off at the house on her way back from the trail head but oh yea!...gotta go to work. The worst offender though recently was a guy who wore a sweater vest and a plain white tshirt to work. Its as if his thought process was "OK...I just got this brand new sweater vest...definitely wearing that to work today. but what else? well I've already got this sweet tshirt on...slip the vest on over..how does this look? OH SHIT YEA! I am ready to start the day!" slaps on some more hair gel, does a tipsy toe twirl and spins out the door...

Who is this? "its Billy, at hang up on me college"

Good Morning to me! I just wanted to express my true appreciation for being a cube monkey. I just got off a 5 second phone call, again. The other person, you ask? A mental dwarf prospect who got on their dial up internet connection to complete a personality profile, and was somehow taken to another, and another, and another survey, to finally land on something asking if they are happy being poopy pants all day and if not, it's time to go to school. Well you get my drift. - So, they initiated this, not me -

I call, "hey, this is Billy with blah blah college"... "WHO IS THIS??", "hey, this is Billy with blah blah college"... "WHO DID YOU SAY THIS IS? "this is Billy, with hang up on me college" and that's exactly what it did, it hung up one me. I should say, "hey goon, get the mental midget on the phone and shut ur face." Did you make an oopsie or did my wheelchair run over the phone cord again? I guess I will have to call back approximately 566 times in the next two weeks to make sure that you are sure, just to be sure, ya know.

Go eff yourself sh*t head

clap happy for gift cards

I just got summoned to an impromptu meeting with a big wig, naturally I assume that we will be yelled at because of our dismal performance so far this week. In fact I was rewarded with a 25 dollar gift card for something I had almost nothing to do with over a month ago. Instant gratification is something we teach dogs...don't jump all over me trying to get the treat just sit, lay down and you get what you want, come when you are called and I will feed you. I've just been rewarded but the connection isn't coming through...I'm lost but clapping like a KALD for this token of their appreciation. I suddenly find myself more motivated then I have been in months to debt initiate someone with a credit worthy co-signer. I'm going to spend the next few hours coming up with a wish list of all the things I can now afford at Safeway grocery stores(the card did come with a few restrictions after all)

Go Make Me a Sandwich B*tch...

Lunch today was a refreshing stop at the local sandwich shop... Cube Monkey's were thoroughly disgusted by the POD War crap and had a much needed lunch with laughs. Somehow the convo went in the direction of how to respond to your woman when you are renting a RedBox movie and she say's, 'I think I want a shake'. We all had our opinion but the best was to ignore a suttle suggestion and go for "hey! what the hell? I thought you said you were going to the gym?"... As any one would clearly see, the next progression would be, "hey, wouldn't be cool if good looking' chicks made your sandwich instead of these skater douche bags?"
-We all agreed, it's a time tested formula that will work in any restaurant scenario that I can think of. We just needed that extra edge to make it really pop and we really weren't trying at all, it just came to us, we cube monkeys are effing GENIUS! Who wouldn't want to have beautiful women making sandwiches for you? Better yet we could run a promotion where while giving your order, you will get a dollar off the sandwich if you just say "hey, go make me a sandwich, b*tch". Holy crap...that really is a great idea! That really is completely effing genius, just think about it...how many times have you wanted to rudely boss someone around? Maybe its just us cube monkeys that have this desire for power but it works for the average marriage as well. I mean, jesus, your at home with your feet up, and your listening to a good show, and slowly your brain starts tuning into the hen call coming from the kitchen... "yap, yap, yahp, yahhhp, yahhhhhhp". You think, what command can I give, right now, that will benefit me immediately, and in 2 minutes? So there it is, a new sandwich shop where you can get a discount on your lunch if you just say, "hey! go make me a sandwich, b*tch!"

I ran over the phone cord with my wheel chair again

Ways cube monkeys demonstrate superior skills of working, without really working:

Calling the IRS and placing them on hold while you leave your desk (increase talk-time again)

Calling a number and instantly putting them on hold, doing this several times in a row allows you to build up "talk time" without really talking to anyone.
( you can put many people on hold at once to dramatically increase talk time or to show the boss your "busy bee working, go getter attitude" )

Purposefully dialing disconnected #s

Creating a "list" of people who asked to be called but disrespected us in someway so that they may be punished. Why the fuck would you hang up on someone like me? I have 8 hrs. to call, your phone number, and nothing else to do... good luck giving everyone your new number dip shit.

Using staples to create different designs -- "staple art"

Talk to worthless a prospect for multiple reasons - wasting talk time, making fun of them, helping them re-discover and reminding them what loser's they are.

Discovering all that google has to offer "Street view" enough said

Realizing that those around us who are taking this very seriously spend plenty of time finding pictures for app updates so we spend equal amounts of time doing the same for our parody email responses to each other.

Continually emailing back and forth pointing out every imaginable problem or concern we have with each email.

Cleaning my desk

Listening to XM - x-rated comedy and Opie and Anthony online with one ear bud while starring into space and laughing out loud.

Being moved every 2 months for no reason whatsoever - cube juggling.

Know that you have a loser prospect on the phone. Drag out the conversation to get them engaged only to set up a big question, like, "what do you see
yourself doing in 3 to 5 years?" and then hang up on the dummy...knowing that they are on the other end blabbing about bullshit while you laugh and get
back on IM to share the joy

When a prospect hangs up on you... call back and say " HEY - I'm sorry, I think we got disconnected, and I ran over the phone cord with my wheel chair again" - got ya dummy!

Calling whatever the last number is every 10 mins so that managers monitoring us don't see hour long of idle time

POD Wars?!?

4/21 - Monday morning, and again I have to clean up the large amount of pointless app update emails, thanks douche bags. One email states a "new" friendly cube monkey competition will begin and is titled "POD Wars". This stupid ass contest bothers me in multiple ways. First of all, it's another example of this pre-school like management style showing it's awesome face. I can image them sitting around in their meetings coming up with one asinine idea after the next, and this week it's POD Wars. Second of all, who comes up with the cube monkey terminology like POD's? And why is there a "War"? Most of these cube monkeys would urinate on themselves if you even pointed a water pistol at them. Is this terminology in Wikipedia? Third, with the term POD war, I immediately think of correctional institutions. POD War might result in a lock-down. "We had a large riot last night in B-POD". I envision that someone would be laying on the ground with a tooth brush stab wound. Makes me think too....its fun dreaming about giving the shank to the KALD.
-oh yeah, they moved my desk, again; as if it's home-room in middle school. All the other cube monkey's dumped all their trash on the desk I am supposed to move to because I left work early Friday... I may just take this extra monitor home for my pain and trauma or maybe I should contact MySafeWorkPlace, because I feel picked on, and now un-safe from further and future attacks at a place which should be my safe haven. Lets create some BS paperwork for the preschool manager...

HR Issue

Given a view about corporate life in general it's important to realize that as the company gets bigger and the personalities more diverse lawsuits can happen, just is the reason for HR and programs such as MySafeWorkplace. When used correctly this can take up an amazing amount of managers time dealing with all the BS a typical work environment produces. Case in point, an employee with equal status to me has been here longer and is substantially older. He is seen a tenured rep, or in my book a KoolAid for Life Drinker(KALD). Consequently he does his job in the eyes of our boss pretty well and is suppose to help me grow as an employee. Since I don't particularly enjoy our growth meetings I try and keep them a short as possible which seems to offend the poor KALD; he takes the issue up with our manager who then sends me an email and follows up with a brief "did you see my point in the email about your growth?". Yes I saw the email, and I'm growing just fine...growing to hate you all.

A student responds...a gem.

Keep in mind that this brain tease was referring to student aid.

"i got my replay from Saly may and i dent get the loanso im going to try to get grants i found 3 or 4 that i may go just have to send the app's in i will call you , when i have know more."