That's it, I'm screwed up, I don't fit or belong here when here is considered normal society. I look at people and I'm jealous, not because I want to be them but because they somehow fit the bill for success in this time and place, at least on a mental level. On paper I am gifted with everything any human could possibly want on the build list at birth, not the least of which was being born into a family that spoke English and lived in America. It puzzles the daylights out of me how I fit the bill for high probability of success right now in some views but it is because I so desperately wish that I was still hunting for survival that I am nearly incapable of fitting into the pigeon hole of an alternative adaptation for the modern man. I DO NOT FIT HERE! I would like to be scared out of my mind trying to kill a buffalo with wooden spears and finely chiseled stone. I would like to be at the risk of the weather, changing herds and a mirage of other impossible to overcome variables. I am in constant search of something that feels even vaguely close to the real life we all use to lead such a relatively short time ago. The part of my brain that says I'd like to keep you warm and safe is now almost permanently turned off for the simple reason that it's never had to be on. I stare over the edge of cliffs, I play with guns, I climb mountains and trees, I like to ride motorcycles in the rain, I've done an ironman triathlon, I enjoy bombing down steep declines at 57mph on human powered two wheelers with semi trucks passing inches away and suddenly I'm getting the ingenious idea of drafting the truck for more speed. I know that I am not the average but there is no way I am different. Normal people take risks everyday while driving and don't even realize it because suddenly they become complacent. I can't possibly be the only person that would have made a bad ass high plains Native American, or a incredibly advanced cave man. I wish I lived in a time of Troy and Cesar, I would have cleaned up in that time. Alexander? Alexshmander compared to the ME of B.C.! I don't want to be fixed either, I don't want my Ritalin, Prozac, herbal tea or daily jog circling the neighborhood. I want to do what I want when I want with the only motivators being hunger and immediate survival. Clothes, status, money, beautiful women defined by the tides of fashion...no. I want to feel alive. I want to be something greater then part of a colony of ants working together in harmony. I am rouge. I am brave and I am fearless. But wait...
I can't cut my umbilical cord to society. It's not that I cant do without it, but reasonably there are a few people in this world that would miss me if I went off the map even if I would get along without them. Is that an excuse? Is that really my excuse for caving in? Where the fuck did my backbone run off to? Should I buy into the fact that I really do make up a link within a greater chain? I read a quote by Aung San Suu Kyi - "It is part of the unceasing human endeavor to prove that the spirit of man can transcend the flaws of his own nature" and I guess it's time for me to evolve. Those flaws came from necessity of years past, not present. It's in my nature to say the weak die and nature is cruel. But I guess we are past that. I guess I'm past that and its time to accept my role, even if it is small. I am part of society no matter if I like that or not, I can either waste my ability pretending to be in danger all the time or actually make a difference if by no other way then being counted among the masses in support of a good cause. Mother Teresa once said "We can do no great things, only small things with great love", and I'm ready to embrace that. Strength in numbers is about the only thing society has going for it, but it is a start. We face more problems then ever before largely because together we have never been this far. It's all new and there is a steep learning curve. The reason we form society is to give ourselves more security, and while I still want to feel vulnerable at times maybe that's what motorcycles are for. Let's look out for one another, lets work together, lets help each other maximize our talents, lets look out for the little guy and the ones down on their luck. Lets not expect or demand the government to do this for us. I'll take heart in the idea that this small role becomes a big one when together we create a better place grow. So go to work, feed yourself with surprisingly little effort, make conscious decisions about life and the friendships you choose, create love. It might not all feel natural because, well, it isn't in some ways. But we are moving along and one day the history books of the future will look back and write a hopefully long section of our years in a positive tone using words such as progression, advancement, self-actualizing and ego-less. Lets all just remember that we are one; for and with another.
That's the kool-aid I'm drinking for today, and I made it myself.
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