Earlier today a foreign cube monkey interrupted my normal cube trance with an energetic entrance into cube row that would have only been appropriate at a college football bowl game. He had marched over after hearing a new employee poorly handle an interview and decided it was his responsibility to preach about how to increase your business to the poor sap in the cube diagonal to mine. As I listened to him combine his ego with absurd logic and theory, I realized he was the epitome of one of the worst personalities the office has to offer. Below is a list of several other cube monkey personalities you will certainly encounter within cube jungle.
The Tipster—The guy in your office that loves to give advice to people. Ironically he is often terrible at his job, and his ego is totally unjustified by his performance. The tipster usually preys on the new people…cornering them in their cubicle and making them listen to his drawn out spiel on how to do the job better. You listen out of pure sympathy and later remark to the newbie “forget everything he just said, and you’ll be fine.” The tipster rarely performs himself (yes, its always a he) but loves to flaunt his shit when he does and tell you step-by-step how he did it, and why it makes him superior.
Newbie—He wants to do well so badly but he's fucking clueless. You see him trying to perform his job and you just feel bad, for their good intentions and aspirations have not been crushed yet. Don’t worry, he is on the way to total dejection, but in the meantime you cringe as they get bombarded by corporate propaganda and houndings from “the tipster.”
Mr. GQ—The overly dressed male who “dresses for success” … or perhaps to look ridiculous. His top 3 buttons are undone to expose his shaven man-cleavage, has an unnecessary swagger to his walk, and can often be seen wearing sunglasses inside. Did he think he was going to work or a Hollister Fashion Show?? His socks cost more than your dress shirt and you wonder how the fuck he affords to live in this fashion. Typically this guy is a total jackass as well--trying desperately to dip his pen in the company ink, but you take solace in the fact that he has probably never been successful.
The Socialite—Never actually works, just chit-chats. You don't want to work, but you sure as shit don't care what she (this one is usually a she) has to say. She tries to force you to listen, and although ten minutes ago you were playing with staples and moving them into simple designs, when s/he comes around you suddenly have to make an important call.
The Lazy Ass Boss—The boss that you have never, not once, seen do a fucking thing. You have no idea how this person climbed the corporate ladder or what the fuck they do to deserve a check double the size of yours. They “supervise” which means hounding you to be more productive with threats that just make you bitter.
The MBA Boss—this is the one that loves using bullshit motivational terms such as “area of opportunity” which is code for “the part of your job you suck at.” They love abbreviations and are way to hands-on with your work. Makes you yearn for the lazy boss.
The Kiss-Ass—We all know this one… the bosses little pet. S/he always gives big smiles and hellos when the boss walks by. The most annoying thing is this is often the laziest mother fucker in the whole office, but they have a disgusting ability to invent enthusiasm and motivation in a meeting. “How can we improve from last week’s performance?” your boss asks…. “by working harder! Making more Dials!” says the Kiss-ass. Fuck you asshole, thanks for participating in our bosses bullshit mindgame, shut the fuck up and keep your mouth closed. Probably the most nauseating of all office personalities.
The Office Hottie— She is one of, if not the only, truly attractive female in the building. Well dressed and well-proportioned. In theory, she is there to assist you. In reality, you are her bitch. Fuck, you’d empty her trash can if she hinted it was too full. Doesn’t matter if you are in a committed relationship or not, this one has all men by the balls – because hey, you just never know.
Good Morning to me! I just wanted to express my true appreciation for being a cube monkey. I just got off a 5 second phone call, again. The other person, you ask? A mental dwarf prospect who got on their dial up internet connection to complete a personality profile, and was somehow taken to another, and another, and another survey, to finally land on something asking if they are happy being poopy pants all day and if not, it's time to go to school. Well you get my drift. - So, they initiated this, not me -
