When you are on your way out, don't let the door hit you

Penguins, what a pointless animal, granted they are adorable and I'm man enough to admit that. But seriously can't we all just agree they are on their way out, I mean its kinda the last straw for them don’t we think? Lets think about this: first off you are a bird who is better at walking then flying…cause well your wings are now more like useless flippers. Anyway I saw March of the Penguins and it convinced me that we are not gonna be seeing these little guys much longer outside of the zoo. Think about it. Put yourself in their situation. You live on ice, that sucks, you can barely survive doing this but you are stranded on this island of ice because...well., you missed the tectonic plate boat that everyone else got on and you're on the last part of the life cycle were death and extinction is right around the corner. But lets get back to my point. The only way you can get food is if you jump in the ocean (also super cold) and try to find the food….at the very same time you are putting yourself on the menu for killer whales and faster then crap seals. This is god's way of giving you the “you are not needed here any more memo” apparently you failed your performance review and its time to start seeking immediate employment elsewhere…..I mean christ I take back the fact that you walk better then you fly, that wasn’t a far stretch since you really cant fly, but what you do can hardly be considered walking, stupid little waddle….but seriously you actually slide on your belly faster then you walk OMG what is the deal!?! How pathetic do you look compared to a bald eagle, does that make you feel just a little short changed about the whole situation? I mean your main survival feature is…..blubber and conserving energy by moving as little as possible, how awesome. You are the fatasses of the animal kingdom and are mitigated to a life of complete boredom in the natural freezer humans call Antarctica...jesus some may call that adaptation(with success being merely surviving). I say that's dying slowly with no end game and a poorly executed adaptation strategy. Similar to the struggle of a skinny polar bear trying to claw its way back onto an iceberg. I bet the grizzly and black bear don't feel this way. Let go guys, accept your fate...just close your eyes and exhale. Face it you had a snowballs chance in hell of making it long term.

My Monday sucked, can you tell?...everyone should feel my pain. Bring on global warming, oil tanker disasters, and another Bush for president....I'm ready to suffer in the name of self pitty just like the stupid penguins...attention loving bastards.

An Update

Your last cube monkey has left the building....ala Elvis. June 6th was actually my last day of official employment but I had really checked out far earlier then that...thanks for the paychecks anyway. The funny thing is they did the exact same thing to me as the other cube monkey; not paying me the full amount I had worked. I sent a few emails and lets just say they more then fixed the problem, kudos to them for being dumbasses.


After 8 months working in the cesspool of HR, PR, ethics and human waste its great to be back in a normal work environment. Its wonderful not getting updates on employees I don't know and don't care about, incredible not getting reminders of how long lunch is suppose to be and simply amazing not forcing a fake smile for 9 hours a day while I try not to start a merciless fight with every not so innocent co-worker I can find. Work place violence is not always a good thing, I understand that, but christ I can see how it happens.


I always told my fellow cube monkeys we were worth a hell of a lot more then what they wanted us to believe. Maybe not for dialing numbers and talking to the bottom feeders of the world but as humans with our level of intelligence we were settling for far too little. And get this, I was right, within 2 weeks of leaving I had job offers all better then what I was earning previously. Same holds true for the other monkeys, no longer are we settling for Plan F,G or H it was back to the standard A and B.


I think these blog posts are a lot funnier when one of us is royally pissed off and uses this to vent but I guess recently there hasn't been as much of a need for it. I guess I'll just decide to unleash my anger on something less deserving.....stay tuned

3 weeks later and they still piss me off

So I quit over three weeks ago and I can't get away from these fuckers. Getting the 'ol penis jerk about my final paycheck and they owe me almost $700. I've had enough and the last polite voicemail has been sent...I already have the Dept of Labor bookmarked in my favorites. Chances are after I post this google will have put 10 relevant links surrounding the blog from law firms too.

Ended up getting a new job the day after I walked out. Yeah I'm lucky. I'm still in a cubicle, but its not 3x the size. The irrelavant emails have stopped, I no longer get pictures and graphics of creepy, pedophile looking assholes kicking an old woman in the head either. People actually return my calls, the purpose of my job isn't just to exploit the dreams of desperate people, and my boss doesn't wave his finger at me if my lunch is 5 minutes long. Don't worry, I'm sure the complaints will come.